It's been a while...

I really can’t believe it’s been four years since we got to hug Anthony or hear his voice. Four years just doesn’t seem possible.

One of his favorite Glass Animals songs randomly came on at the place I went for lunch. My dentist told me I was “killin’ it” during my appointment this morning, which immediately made me think of something encouraging Anthony would say. And the very first thing I saw on social media this morning was someone talking about their near-death experience after getting in an accident and how they felt like they were “home.” They talked about realizing there is so much more than this life and how everything (people, nature, all of it) is connected.

Call them coincidences, signs, whatever you want. I like to think it’s Anthony saying "hey sister, I am still here!"

We lit up the tribute we have for him in our living room last night, and I love seeing all the ways pieces of him are still showing up in our lives.

Mason has gotten really into the rock climbing gym lately, which is so cool to see because that was obvs an Anthony thing. And somehow BOTH Baylee and Mason love electronic dance music just like their Uncle Anthony, which is seriously the best, I know he would so get a kick out of that.

He’s still inspiring me, too. Brandon and I joined a strength training gym several months ago, and I’ve decided my goal is to get swole like Anthony.  KIDDING I have a ways to go, but I know he’d appreciate the effort and say "way to stick with it, Meg!"

I also quit drinking, and I think about Anthony a lot because of that decision. When I was packing up his apartment after he passed, I found notes in several different places where he had written reminders to himself that he wanted to “back off on the whiskey.” Those words have stayed with me. I wish so badly he had gotten more time to make some of the changes he wanted to make for himself. In some small way, making changes in my own life feels like another way of carrying him with me.

I still wish we could have grown old together. That’s probably one of the hardest parts for me. We had so much more life we were supposed to experience together. So many more adventures, conversations, laughs, and random moments.

But I truly believe he’s in a better place, surrounded by all the love he deserves. And I believe he’s still right here with us, just in a different way.

I miss you, Anthony. I wish you were here. But I’ll keep looking for you in the songs, the random words from strangers, your niece and nephew, nature, the gym and all those little moments that somehow feel way too specific to be random.

And I’ll keep trying to live my life a little more because of you, to take care of myself, love my people, worry less about the things that ultimately don’t matter, and actually LIVE while I’m here.

Love you forever, brother.